Mid life crisis
OK this is a tricky one, controversial subject which has been on my mind for a while now
First of all what is a midlife crisis
In Wikipedia the short description is a transition of identify and self-confidence that can occur in middle-aged individuals typically 45 to 64 years old.
My personal take is more 39 to 65, but I do not want to change the definition.
Elliot Jacques
Elliot Jacques was a Canadian spycho-analyst who gave the famous name to this phenomenon.
It also seems to be more relation to Western Societies.
His theory is relating to people feeling that they are growing older, noticing their mortality and realising their lack of accomplishments.
Anyhow this blog is not about repeating his good work so if you are interested in reading his books, articles, definitely go ahead.
My attention is to explain my take on middle life crisis following my experience and my witnessing of it on different people around me, the Sunset of an area and dawn to the next Chapter
Now big disclaimer, I will not name names and I will only provide examples without going into details so please do not try to identify yourself in this blog if you know me!
Getting older
So except if you are a vampire, everyone is getting older every day, every minute, every second….
We should be grateful to get older as so many people do not make it to get to their 40s, but this is depressing thoughts so let’s move on very quickly to the next sentence.
Now there are expectations in life that are based on living in a society.
You should have a work, meet someone, get married, buy a house, have children….
Some people are really good at following what standard life is, some others are less.
Does it make those people less happy I differ the difference and you can be happy without following the norm but this is an idea for another blog.
Indeed mid-life crisis is about not meeting expectations and disappointment in life but not actually getting older as such.
Life expectations
As mentioned society has some expectations that I have mentioned before.
If you have in your 40th you should have a career, a wife, a child, a car….here I am not going into all the differentiate of current society mentioning partners, husbands, adoption….this is a general idea for everyone to know where society expect you to be in your 40th and I will let you reset for your own list in your head.
Now let me try to explain why I believe mid-life crisis is about expectations - disappointment rather than getting older.
Most of us are not decaying in our 40th, yes we might have put a little weight on and changed but it cannot be that drastic yet.
What does happen is that we are starting to realise that we are most certainly half way through our lives, as Jacques mentioned realising our mortality.
And you turn around and you are disappointed.
You are still getting ordered around by a boss, your work still take over 80% of your time.
You have to clean, cook, look after the mundane tasks over and over, nothing is thrilling you and you take abuse from your teenage children and your partner in life is as gloomy as you are….
And you are thinking “hold on a second is that the best I can have?” and that is where all is starting to go wrong for you….
The usual options
That is when people start thinking, I only have a short period left and this life cannot be it.
I need better, more thrilling life…..so they decide they need a good beginning.
Sometimes you just get a new car, faster, smoother looking and definitely not a family car even if you have 4 children at home.
Sometimes you have an affair, because you are still attractive and you can get better that who you have at home.
Sometimes you make a career move because you worth better than that.
Sometimes you join a gym, get some plastic surgery and then one of the above may follow.
I would say those are the main items coming to mind but they are obviously not exclusive.
But this it is all a smoke mirror.
Big mistake…?
Let’s clarify, not everything on the list is a mistake.
If you are unhappy with your job and you decide to change, obviously this is not a mistake.
Buying a fancy car, if you can afford it and it makes you feel better why not.
If you want to plastic surgery and get fit, go for it.
But if you decide to through everything from the last 20 years and start over, this is more than likely a mistake. Throwing the baby with the baby bath water is not a good idea.
If you want to live your long time partner then do it upfront and don’t cheat but think carefully.
After the 6 months of crazy new relationship ecstasy will your life actually be better?
Or will you realise that you still need to do the cooking, go to work, clean the house but now you are in a smaller apartment, your children do not want to see you anymore…and that new partner has moved on?
It is a gambling that is very rarely paying off.
So are we doomed? Don’t do it - you are miserable - Do it and you might loose everything!
Are we doomed?
Probably, that you are if you are going through mid-life crisis, just give up and pick your fate…
Ouch that was dark and depressing.
Or maybe before going for drastic options we can actually sit down and think about our lives?
And you can follow the logic option or Yes - No answer
Do you love your life - Yes = don’t change
No - what don’t I like about my life
Work - Yes = change my work
No - what don’t I like about my life
Partner - Yes = Do I want to fix it?
Yes = Talk and see how to fix it
No = Leave and start over….if you have the courage
And so on so forth.
I believe people do not talk themselves enough and just jump to conclusion or wait too long and then it is too late.
I believe mid-life crisis can be avoided if people pay attention to their wants and needs and communicate.
That big miss in most of our lives which is to reflect, think, analyse and communicate with ourselves and our love ones.
Actually see the root cause of the issue instead of covering it up with shiny new toys.
I know it seems like this is opening more questions than answering but still it is a new phenomenon that people take for granted or use as an excuse.
So don’t let the sun set on your 40th first years without a fight.
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