Toxic relationships…why
Why do people in toxic relationships stay in those relationships?
It is very hard to understand why would anyone stay in a toxic relationship until you are in one or could have been in such a relationship but escaped it.
Fair warning, I am not a professional psychiatric, philosopher, love expert, the below blog is about my personal observation.
How do you recognise a toxic relationship?
I guess this is a million dollar question….how do you know that you are in a toxic relationship?
I am not an expert as mentioned and i am only using my observation skills to write this blog and how I relate to films, books, stories around me.
My believe is that you do not know that you are in a toxic relationship or more specifically you do not want to admit to it.
That is the reason why people stay,
That is also the reason why you fall out with friends and families when they try to warn you and make you realise.
What is a toxic relationship? Physical abuse
This seems obvious but….is this an actual straight forward answer that violence means toxic relationship?
If you are regularly beat up, then it is definitely a toxic relationship but still so many people stay until death do them part unfortunately.
There are different factors I assume, what upbringing did the person have, if this person was raised with violent then they expect such relationships. They do not break the mold and assume that violence is part of relationship.
What if the violence goes both ways? What if it is not one way and both parties hit one another,, then is if fair?
What is the person not violent all the time but only under influence of alcohol for example or drugs but is normally a nice person?
Lots of excuses are given in relation to alcohol especially, that “It only happens when he/she has a too many drinks and they are sorry the following day!”
Fear I would think is a very large contributor, fear of being reprimanded or fear to loose the life standard you have, or fear or having no where to go, no financial security….the list can go on.
I assume the very first time if happens is when the decision needs to be taken, but what if it is graduate?
It is not an easy topic and no one has been able to figure it out completely so there is no way I would but there are help if you are trying to escape and life is worth enjoying.
Here is a link for this specific topic
If you are experiencing domestic violence in Ireland, you can contact the following helplines:
Women's Aid: Phone 1800 341 900 — 24 hours a day.
Men's Aid: Phone 01 554 3811 — Monday to Friday, from 9am to 5pm.
Domestic Violence Advocacy Service (DVAS): Call 071-9141515.
What is a toxic relationship? Verbal abuse
That is where people might vary in their understanding and degree of acceptance.
And this one is so difficult to measure. Physical abuse can be seen on the body, bruises, broken bones but how to do you measure broken spirit, damage soul….
This is definitely a tough one to recognise, acknowledge and get out of in my opinion.
It can be settle over a long period of time, it can be violent as off regular screaming arguments, it can be intimidation, it can be so many ways that there is no list that can be long enough.
Again we need to differentiate the “normal” arguments within a healthy relationship, there will be arguments, disagreements.
That is not what we are talking about here, we are talking about when someone actually suck the life out of a soul.
Makes the person miserable, feeling that they worth nothing. Make them feel so tiny and insignificant so that this monster can actually control their thoughts, body and soul.
Little by little the victim is loosing confidence, loosing themselves until they are a shadow of themselves and can be manipulated by the stronger person.
What is a toxic relationship? Loving too much
This one a very tricky one and some people might feel it is not a different as the one mentioned before but I believe it is.
The trigger to this blog was actually a movie I watched a while back. The movie is called “Travel with my Aunt” a movie from 1972 with Maggie Smith based on the book by Graham Greene.
What the movie is about I cannot remember as such but the feeling I had watching it is strong enough that i am writing this blog.
In this movie that strong independent woman travels the world, she is beautiful, she has money of her own, she is seductive and does anything she wants. The kind of woman I feel inspired by until the end of the movie when she meets her old lover from decades ago and her personality changes completely. She becomes docile. How to describe it, it feels as if she has lost her perk and is a shadow of him. He did not do that to her, this is how she is when she is around him because she loves him so much that she wants to please him and only him.
That feeling that if she looses him, she will not be able to stay alive.
I believe this one is so tricky as she is happy but it highly disturbed me.
Is this an actual toxic relationship? Or do i see it as toxic as it frightens me because your feelings take over and you cannot control yourself anymore?
Can love itself be toxic?
Can love itself make the relationship toxic? What if the fact that someone loves you so much that you can make them do what ever you want is toxic and inappropriate?
But can you stop either behaviours?
Who is the perpetuator who is the victim or is this just a unbalanced relationship which is perfectly acceptable?
I am not talking about the “normal” relationship when you compromise, sometimes you sacrifice something for the other, you argue and need to make up. This is not what I am talking about, I am really talking about the fact that you loose yourself in order to keep the other person.
You might be independent person who is part of a political party, a religion, working is a career for you, go to the gym…again the list is only for example purposes but not limited to this.
You meet a person and you are smitten by this person. You are a meat eater but this person is vegan so you become vegan.
You normally meet your friends once a week for coffee but now you stop completely or only meet them when it suits the other one.
You change your religion, you change your political party or stop altogether, this is what i am talking about.
You decide that for this relationship you will change your core values and make sure that you do what the other person likes,
This is the toxicity, should the other person stop you and encourage you to remain different or is it acceptable to allow this to happen because in the end you did not ask for it, the person is voluntarily doing it?
Should you stay with the person even if that person is threatening you with terrible repercussion on themselves such as “If you leave me I will kill myself?”
Is the person who is so loved can become the victim in this case because he/she cannot escape that relationship?
As mentioned this blog is not about resolution, fixing the world, just an observation and making it sure that you live a happy life as you only have one life.
It might seem that if you leave a situation you feel that your life will end…. but even with pain life goes on. So many people survive death of their partners, divorce, broken relationship. I am not saying it is easy, but going through temporary pain might actually end up being what is needed for you to find yourself again.
In the end, the importance is yourself and you should find you happy balance whether in a relationship or on your own.
One thing is for sure, you cannot be happy in a relationship if you have not happy with who you are fist.
